The One Question Parents of Suicide Victims Ask Themselves

This question has haunted me for the last seven and a half years since my 14-year-old daughter, Maddie, died by suicide. It will likely haunt me for the rest of my life. As a parent, some part of you will always feel partially responsible for your child's suicide. Whether that is survivor's guilt or a parent's natural response, we are constantly tasked with trying to keep our children safe. I don't believe that stops until the day you die. Whether there were signs that your child was struggling or not, every parent tortures themselves by asking, "What could I have done differently to prevent it?" I don't know if we could've done anything differently, although better resources are available now than seven years ago.

With Maddie, the onset of her depression was pretty rapid. There were bouts of sadness, emotional volatility, lethargy and indifference. It was challenging to get her motivated and excited about many things. Getting her out of her room or becoming involved in any family or group activity wasn't easy. As the dad of a teenage girl, I was afraid to rock the boat. I'd lie down with her in her room and try to get her to talk about how she was feeling. I'd try to get her to engage or participate with the boys and me. She primarily wanted to hang out by herself. Sometimes she would FaceTime with some of her friends. I'd sometimes drag her to walk with me to get fresh air and exercise. Sometimes she would appease me and go; other times, she would ask for a pass. In hindsight, she'd spend too much time on her phone, often spiralling down the Instagram rabbit hole. Should I have managed her phone better? Probably, but I just wanted her to be happy, so I'd often turn a blind eye to it. Things would get worse.

I know I made mistakes along the way. Part of it was not knowing the answers and having never dealt with a teenage girl. I didn't want to rock the boat, so I often relented. Digging in my heels and getting mad at the situation only made it worse and jeopardized the trust that we had established. It's not to say there weren't raised voices on occasion, but most of the time, we were level-headed in our interaction. I quickly learned that escalated conversations build more walls than they break down.

What I learned was compromise and buy-in worked better than a dictatorial approach. We could've discussed a realistic solution about managing phone time or tied phone time to family participation or exercise. Many parents use their hierarchical leverage in discussions with their teenagers, which seldom works well in these situations. Learning about our emotional awareness as parents will help us achieve emotional regulation in our kids.

As I become reflective, especially at this challenging time of year, I want parents to avoid the devastating loss we encountered as a family. We will never get Maddie back, but that doesn't mean I can't pass on my lessons learned to others. It's important to understand that, as parents, we will continue to make parenting mistakes. Those internal voices will continue to tell us, "I could've handled that situation differently." Approach your interaction with your teen from a place of love, however hard that may be in the moment. Building and maintaining trust will get your teen talking and, hopefully, to keep talking. It's when they stop talking; you should be scared.